The night I got the call, and everything after

I served in the USAF for four years as a Cyber Systems Operator. For the most part I handled network issues and maintenance, like fixing communications for a base or restoring a service. I was an E-3 on night shift when I got a call. The Airman on the other end told me there was activity around the base, that there was a coup attempt in Turkey, and that they needed extra eyes on comms and the network to make sure everything stayed available while it was going on. I was the only military person in my building. No officers, no other Airmen, and I was in a completely different country than they were. My first thought was, "Wow, this guy needs to report this." Then I realized I was the person they report this to, and I needed to respond and get to work. I can't go into more detail about what was done or how everything played out, but I can comfortably say that was the moment I realized my actions could have consequences for others. In a comm squadron you likely won't see combat, but in that moment I understood how my job supported everyone in the other roles we all had to play. At the time it felt good to be needed and to be able to support my fellow military brothers and sisters. But the work was stressful and the hours were long. I couldn't talk about work at home or anywhere outside our building because it was sensitive, and that took a toll on my day-to-day life and my mental health. My wife would sometimes ask how I was doing, and I didn't know how to answer. We were undermanned and didn't have enough sergeants to cover shifts. Hours changed constantly. One week I worked 12-hour days and the next could be 12-hour nights. No cell phones, no windows, and no communication with anyone outside our old musty walls. Many night shifts there were only two of us, and half the time we were both low-ranking Airmen, without even a Staff Sergeant on shift to guide us. On top of that, our squadron's role was changed to something that had never been done before, which meant we didn't have all the guidance in place and every situation could be drastically different. A lot of people picture rigid structure and a tough chain of command. In my case I worked through a constantly changing workday, not knowing what I'd be doing tomorrow, and sometimes I was left to make decisions above my grade. I stayed in the same squadron for my entire time in the Air Force. We lost three people to suicide, on three separate occasions. I built unbelievably strong relationships through mutual struggle, and I felt loss that was hard to bear. Before one of those deaths, the person threatened to take others with them. Because of unforeseen circumstances they still had access to the building and we couldn't lock it down. I had to barricade myself in a room with civilians and wait it out. I think the hardest part was this: whenever they called us in to tell us someone had taken their life, I didn't feel surprised. I understood what they had been going through. And every day we still went on doing the same thing. After the service I struggled. I went from job to job because I would confront managers, or I couldn't even get myself to show up. I enrolled in school full time with my GI Bill benefits, which also helped pay my rent. One day I ended up calling the crisis line, and they connected me with resources for my mental health. The VA system itself was awful to navigate and deal with, but I connected with a lot of people and got the help I needed. I am now very successful in my career field. Some days are still hard and I think about the friends I lost, but through my family, my friends and mental health professionals I found the strength to keep going and found purpose in myself. I even started building this site. Hopefully one day others will share their stories here, with me and with each other, and we can help each other find strength and the will to keep going.